A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him that he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells, "I don't serves strings in this bar!" The other string roughs himself up on the street and curls up and goes back to order. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" The string says, "Yeah." The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?" and the string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will it be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and POOF! he vanishes.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the other end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey," he said, "I must be losing my mind. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me," the barkeep said. "It's the peanuts...they're complimentary."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of them would win; but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
And many more.... http://www.cis.upenn.edu/~udani/humor/puns.html
Enjoy. I'll be back next week or so.