Sunday, November 16, 2008

(Love) Food for Thought

Real life, as I'm sure we've all figured out, is nothing like the movies. Or the books, for that matter. In the books, love is wonderful. Life is wonderful. I mean, not all the time...but most of the time. A very good percentage of the time, all the problems are worked out and life is wonderful. In the real world, it is SO not like that. Some examples:

In books, love is wonderful. It might not be fun, or easy, or make any sense at all, for that matter. But it certainly is wonderful. Love is described as being that good kind of pain, the kind you after you work out. You know how the next day, your muscles scream every time you move, but it's in that good way that makes you know that you're using your body? Love is kind of like that in fiction. In real life, love sucks. All it really is is a pain in the ass that you can't get rid of. Don't get me wrong; I think that love is the most beautiful and important thing in the world. But...seriously. Sometimes you just wonder, could it really get any worse? There are so many freaking kinks that you never work out. And I'm way too young to know if it ever actually works out or not, but I've seen my parents, and damn but my dad loves my mom. So I'd say it's out there somewhere. But I also know how much they fight and how many problems they have, and how hard it is. I know that's real too. So get ready.

Along the love lines... In a book, sex is great with the one you love. Everything is perfect. The guy just adores the girl, doesn't he? Can't get enough of the broad. Every time she speaks, every time he looks at her, everything she does....he just adores every second of it; every move she makes takes his breath away. Sure they piss each other off, but it's just because they love each other so much and just can't handle it. Ever notice that? Every time a guy and a girl get into a fight in a movie, it's because they're too proud or too misunderstood or too in love to see through the mist until after two hours in the theater have passed. When you have sex in a movie, it's like for real fireworks. The brush of her hair on her chest sends tingles down his spine, the sight of his erection sends her into a frenzied passion, and everyone orgasms at the same time, just from good old missionary position. See, life isn't really like that. Here on Earth, guys and girls in love just don't roll like that. You get sick of each other pretty darn quick, and everything you do doesn't make the other fall more in love with you. Every breath, every move, every word...usually after a while you just want a break from their breaths and moves and words. You just get sick of it. After a while everything they say exasperates you instead of making you ga-ga. Fights are for real, about real things, like money and jobs and feelings and cheating and time management and not having enough sex because you're both too busy or not in the mood. When you're in love for real, the brush of her hair on his skin just pisses him off and makes him itchy; erections just look weird, like some freaky alien sticking out of a vagina that doesn't exist; she only orgasms clitorally, and only after a half hour of being eaten out or fingered, not from actual intercourse.

There is no soundtrack in life. When you're outside with the love of your life and it's snowing and he's holding your face between his hands and kissing you and you feel like you should be in a movie...there's no love song. No strings and piano and cheesy guy singer going off about how grand the world is. Seems like there should be, doesn't it? But no. There's just the sound of trucks on the road beside you and construction down the street, and kids screaming in the building next to you and someone's punk metal from the window above you. Like soundtrack guy took the night off or something. Or like when you do something great, like get an A on all your finals, or your team wins the championship; there should be that Remember the Titans victory music going down, but for some reason, it's nowhere to be found. Shouldn't we all be like Peter when he wishes for his own sound effects or whatever, and every step he takes is accompanied by the tuba in the background? Yeah, I think so. That would make everything so much more exciting. It would make me want to do stuff, just so I could hear what music God decided to pair with my actions.

So who writes these books and movies, and why? I think they should all be fired for falsely portraying the world. Or...maybe not. Maybe we suck it up to escape from the harsh non-musical drugery that is life, and pay these people to write about what life would be like if everything had a happy ending. Now there's a novel thought.

No comments: