Friday, July 1, 2011

Happy July

It's pretty interesting to think about things that certain people will never know about you. You wonder if it's worth trying to rebuild the bridge to tell them, or if it's just time to let go and move on with your respective lives. You wonder how people live not being able to read others' minds or be completely honest with each other. You think about how many problems would be solved in this world if everyone was just a bit more straight up with each other. But then honesty really always the best policy?

Someone wrote a song for me. I don't think he had a particularly sweet or positive reason for writing it, but write it he did, and I bungled up thanking him for it. It's interesting to think that he'll go through his life thinking I'm soulless and unappreciative, that those summers meant nothing to me, that I haven't played that song so many times I could sing it from memory by now.

He's married now, and well into his new life, if I had to make my guess. There are a lot of things I think he'd benefit from knowing, but aren't really worth telling him; what would be the point of dredging up the past again? Moving on is never easy, especially for me; I hold onto the past like the universe would implode in on itself if I were to accept that something was over. But every once in a while, don't you have to wonder if it's not better to just forget it already?

There are several other things I take this mindset with; at least the part about what others will never know. My parents, for instance, will never know how important they are to me or how guilty I feel just for being their daughter. It's not something you can really talk about. My best friend from my freshman year of high school will never know how much I think about her now, or how often I wonder how she's doing or what she's up to. My current crush will never know how much I think about him, or how frequently I try to figure out what about this is real and what is just leftover rebounding and the need to care about someone...anyone. And I doubt anyone in my life will ever know about that; about the fact that I need to love someone, that I need to shower someone with affection and laughter and little gestures that make them smile. It's an unfortunate circumstance that I've concluded is the reason that I can't not be involved with some guy at all times. I've tried over and over to take a break and take time for myself, and I've found it's impossible, because if I took time out just for me, who would I care about? I don't know how to shower myself with affection.

In other news, I wonder where my family is. I think some of them headed out to Ohio, but that doesn't explain the absence of every person from my house.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You aren't alone. I think about my best friend from high school all the time and all my other friends as well. That is probably why I am on your blog right now. To creep on you and find out what is happening in your life. I miss high school because of it. I miss being so close.