Things I Would Discuss If I Had Someone To Talk To

-- The song You're So Vain: Doesn't it defeat itself? It's like a spiraling paradox box of nonsense. Which I suppose is the point.

-- The song Straight Up by Paula: I get "hit and run" now; like..."hit it and quit it"?

-- Why eggs are so delicious: Why are they so good?

-- Why the radio only plays love songs: Especially late at night....wtf, man?

-- How I don't like to burn bridges, but when it happens, I burn the hell out of them.

-- How every time I fall in love, I think it's for real...but have I ever really felt like that?

-- Andy Grammer: "You gotta keep your head up (oh oh), and you can let your hair down (oh oh?). You'll turn out fine."

I Have the House to Myself!

...now, what to do with it?

To-Do List for Being Home Alone:

-- Clean house in my underwear

-- Play the piano (for the first time in months)

-- Eat dinner. Dinner = chicken salad and a bunless cheeseburger.

-- Take a long walk with my dogs

-- Watch Sesame Street's Sing Yourself Silly and Veggie Tales' Larryboy on VHS

Accomplished? All of it.

3:10 AM, Father's Day

I tend to forget that normal people aren't awake at three in the morning; and they're usually neither willing nor able to have a conversation at that time.

In other news, Happy Father's Day, Chef. I love you -- even though we don't talk about it much. I had fun golfing with you today.

Places I've Cleaned at Work (in chronological order)

I work in an optometrist's office owned by a family friend and neighbor. The owner, my eye doctor and now my boss as well, is only slightly crazy if you're a patient, but once you start working for him he's a real nut job. Every day is an adventure for me at work, and my life would be so boring if I didn't have this job.

I've been working at this place for nearly three months now, and so far these are some of the more interesting cleaning jobs I've had to do:

1. The corners of the exam room, which is carpeted, with wet paper towels. The Doc thought I needed to do something "productive" and degrading, since I'm the new girl.

2. The employee's bathroom, after I let a patient use it because I didn't know not to. I was told that syphilis is spread that way and if I had to clean it I'd never do it again.

3. The front floor, right in front of the counter (also carpeted), after a kid and his dad spilled red Slushy everywhere then threatened to sue when Doc kicked them out.

purgeeeeeeee

sleeper boxen murmur yumpy

youstoppedblowingmekissesanditmademewanttocry

bdubs irrelephant phantastsic phantasy etc comphy

Sorry, I just had to get that out. I actually had a wonderful, wonderful day. I'll probably write all about it tomorrow, if I have time. Living well is the best revenge, and what better time to live well than a summer like this one? Hopefully I'll have some pictures up soon too, and the next installment (or maybe all of them, starting from the beginning) of my car saga.

Happy Thursday.

Dear Jerk

Dear Jerk,

All I wanted to do, at the beginning and at the end, was make you feel better and help your problems go away. Now it seems that I've caused you more problems and potentially made you feel worse.

I'm sorry that I can't just be angry like I should be.

All you really needed was a friend, and I failed.

But fuck you anyway, kind of.

Love,

(always)

Your Mur

Red Bull

My boss loves Red Bull. He drinks it like water almost the entire time he's at the office. He keeps four-packs in the mini fridge in our lab and frequently offers a can to patients as they're leaving. It's kind of...his "thing."

My boss also has a rule about taking food and drink out of the lab to the front of the office, where we deal with patients, ring up sales, adjust glasses, etc. He thinks it doesn't look professional, munching or slurping while dealing with patients, and there's always a risk that we could spill something on the computer or someone's file. The rule would make sense -- if he followed it.

Yesterday I was standing up front preparing files for today's patients, completely minding my own business, when my boss ambled past me with a Red Bull in hand. At the end of the day on his way out, he usually stops by the register to print out a report and see how much he made that day. As this was an ordinary occurrence, I didn't pay him much mind until I heard, "Uhhm uh-oh." I peeked over my shoulder and saw him standing there, Red Bull in one hand, staring at the cash register, which was covered in liquid. I quickly looked back to my work and pretended to not hear him. He tried to wipe up the mess, but I don't think he realized how much he spilled, because he missed the splashes on the counter behind him, the bit that was on the phone, and only noticed the puddle on the floor after he stepped in it a couple times.

After swiping the area with some paper towels a couple times, he went back to trying to print out the day's report. He pushed a couple buttons, which didn't do anything, then pushed one of the number keys. The register made its error sound, a high-pitched "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" noise. He pushed a couple more buttons then shut the register off. He did this several more times while I pretended to bury my head in work then finally went in the back so he wouldn't see me laughing.

After several minutes of pushing buttons, turning the register on and off, and trying to stop the error message with no avail, he picked up the phone to call one of the other ladies that works there. "Maybe Laura will know something about this," I heard him mutter.

"Hi Laura. I have a problem. The register is...acting up." He explained the situation about the beeping and buttons not working and asked if she knew anything about trying to fix it. Finally I heard him explain, "Well...here's the thing. I might have dribbled a little Red Bull on the register, and I think it might have gone under the New Balance key." Please note that the drink had actually puddled on most of the front of the register, and the New Balance key wasn't the problem at all.

After a lot of hemming and hawing and deciding the problem was unfixable for the time being and he would just leave it for Laura to deal with in the morning, boss man made to leave. "Doc!" I called, just as he was walking out the door. "What....um...what do you want me to do about running the report and everything tonight?" He stared at me. "That....is a question." Long pause. "Laura will do it in the morning," and out he walked.

Later on I was making reminder calls to patients to confirm their appointments for today, and as I was talking on the phone I noticed that the speaker part was dripping Red Bull. As I looked around I noticed a lot of splatters that we missed before, and a stain on the carpet that the doc didn't quite manage to make go away when he was scrubbing at it. The entire front section of the office smelled like Red Bull, and the carpet was a little sticky. I avoided that area for the rest of the night and kept myself busy filing things away until it was time to close.

We'll see if he follows his own rules from now on (but somehow I doubt it).

Edit: tl;dr? My boss spilled Red Bull on our cash register and f***ed it up. It was real funny.